Delicious Ambiguity

I'm here now.

2011-01-10T20:41:00.000-08:00

http://sheshomesweethome.tumblr.com/

2011-01-02T20:41:00.001-08:00

game over.
i lost, and it wasn't even a game worth playing.
i guess the question is: "Do I let this cycle continue with the next new face?"
Tonight I wanted to grab Chris and kiss him. I wanted to kiss away lonely and anger.
I wanted to kiss away the last one, like I kissed away the one before him, the way I kissed away before the one before that one, the way that I kissed away the one before that one etc...
The point is that "this" is "what" I "do".
It's how I cope with what has been gnawing at my soul since I was a kid.
It is so, so, so stupid and self-destructive.
Nothing ever changes and each situation I find myself in, as a result of my coping methods, breeds even more anger and self-hatred.
I'm full of these things, and when I'm full of anger and self-hatred, they spill out of me, and onto everyone around me.
They turn in to jealousy, vindictiveness, disloyalty, and so on...
And all of this ugliness takes place because I can't seem to be alone.
Because I'm broken.
Because there is a gaping hole inside of me that I'm trying to fill with human beings and the affection, attention, and approval that they have the power to supply me with.
And then there is God...
Where is He?
Where did I leave Him?
Is He so little that He can be left?
Who even really knows?
Some people appear to.
They talk about Him like He's their best friend.
Some talk about Him like He is a Santa Clause.
Some treat Him like He's their own personal sugar daddy.
It would be easier for me to discount his existence entirely, than it would be for me to sit on Santa's lap and tell Him what I deserve as his little princess.
Joel said I'm thirsty, and he's right; I'm freaking parched, but I'd rather thirst for the real water, then fill my stomach with sticky syrupy sweet interpretations that I see people drawing from the wells around me.
That must make me so bad, so stubborn, so wrong.
I'm so hard headed, so lost, so out of control, so everything...
I KNOW.
I get it.
You really don't have to tell me.
Victor told me to run to God and Joel told me that my motives for doing that don't matter, that whatever your reason for turning to God, it's a good one.
That can't be true? (that's a question)
Motive is EVERYTHING.
Can you tell me differently?
I am looking at old pictures as they pop up on my screensaver.
I'm remembering what I felt, if I was happy, and what was driving me at those moments.
In the pictures that matter most, I am alone and in the moment working towards, or struggling through something.
In England I was 3,000 miles away from everything and everyone that I called home.
With a camera and a lot of writing, I made it through.
It wasn't pleasant always, alot of it was miserable, but I remember that miserable and lonely time with fondness...because I did it...the moment was mine.
I want my pictures, my words, my life to mean something...
And most of all, with that same fervent gnawing that has been with me since childhood,
I want it to be mine.
It has to be mine before I can ever hope for it to be someone else's.

desperado

2010-12-15T15:46:00.000-08:00

i don't know whether to say "i hate you" or "thank you".
I can't decide whether I want to beg you to go ahead and leave or beg you to stay.
even though this has all blown up in my face, i can't quite bring myself to label you a mistake.
maybe that's Disney World and too much Hollywood talking,
or maybe it's me being blinded by what I think I want and wanting it so much
that I confuse what i want it to be and what it really is.
or maybe, in a way that I might not see until you're gone, you were good for me.
and maybe I was good for you.
and i think that that is all I want anymore, to be good for someone, something, some cause.
so while everything selfish and afraid in me is screaming "i hate you",
everything else will be whispering "thank you".
and while everything in me that is selfish and afraid can't decide
on whether I want to kick you out and slam the door or lock you in and swallow the key,
the part of me that knows better knows that neither of those things would be healthy, fair, or necessary.
you're good, no matter what anyone (including you or myself) says.

2010-12-02T11:36:00.000-08:00

"We all at our own age have to claim something, even if it's only our own confusion."

-Sabrina Ward Harrison

I feel like all I am living are questions. I'm making decesions based on things that I don't fully have figured out. Where did absolutes disappear to? Absolutes were steady and provided a great foundation, but I felt like I was only living out something that someone else had figured out...it wasn't mine.

So now, I'm living questions and they aren't steady, but they're mine.

"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer."

— Rainer Maria Rilke

2010-10-29T22:07:00.000-07:00

I miss you. I miss me. I have wrinkles in the space between my eyebrows because i scowl alot. My hair is long. My sister grew up and it looks good on her. I bought boots. I want to be pleasent. I don't know if I should give up or try harder. Documenting my thought process is THE most theraputic thing ever. I can't dismiss you because of your faults because I see my own in them and that would be like dismissing myself. I wish I could dismiss myself. I'm coming to terms with being alone. I like pills too much. Somedays it feels like God is a part of me, and it is easier to believe than to disbelieve. Somedays it seems like a big scam, but even on those days I can't dismiss Him. I wish I could go back with what I know now and do it again, but do it well. Poison & Wine is a beautiful song, and I have listened to it a trillion times in the last week. I'm too attatched to my phone. I kind of want to destroy it. Aunt Chery seems to like me more now and that feels like a weight has been lifted from my chest. I don't think I'll get married or have kids. I might get married, but I doubt it will be to the right person. I want to be wholesome, but not too wholesome. There is such a thing as being too wholesome. I wasted a lot of money on college. I've wasted alot of things on alot of things. I need to sit beside the ocean. Life seems to happen so easy for some people. I'm going to be alright. I can't quite see the end to the crazyness, but I can see where there could possibly be an end somewhere, and the possibility of an end to the crazyness is good enough for me. Hope is the most resilient thing, because even when things really suck, you know that they don't have to suck and you know they haven't always suck and you know, even though you can't wrap your mind around when, that they won't always suck. Even when there is no hope, there is still hope. I'm really concentrating on my motive for the things that I do. It's not always a pretty sight...most of the time my motive is personal gain, and I go about achieving it in the stupidest ways...but I know there is a better way. I really want to find it. Genuinely find it. For myself.

2010-09-01T12:13:00.000-07:00

my plan is to forgive you for being a liar, with the hope that, one day, Someone will forgive me for being the kind of person that would make fun of the retarded girl at work behind her back.

2010-08-23T11:58:00.000-07:00

"Look for God. Look for God like a man with his head on fire looks for water."
-Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat. Pray. Love)

2010-08-20T08:54:00.000-07:00

all we have is potential and our many reasons for not living up to it.

i wish you'd prove me and everyone else wrong.

2010-08-12T12:02:00.001-07:00

i have to get out of here.

nothing, everything, and myself

2010-07-12T10:44:00.001-07:00

i told him i wanted to run away.
'what are you running from?' he asked.
'oh nothing... everything...myself...'
he said, 'you can't outrun yourself, and nothing is not really there, and the stuff that is was set there by your maker to make you stronger.'

"You know what's wrong with you, Miss Whoever-you-are? You're chicken, you've got no guts. You're afraid to stick out your chin and say, "Okay, life's a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness." You call yourself a free spirit, a "wild thing," and you're terrified somebody's gonna stick you in a cage. Well baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somali-land. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself."

2010-07-08T13:28:00.001-07:00

you would think that I would know better by now, and I do. I definetly know better. I don't do better though. I do worse. And worse, and worse, and worse. I am so tired of my excuses. I need something to live for.

2010-06-28T05:55:00.000-07:00

there are things that I would change and things that i wouldn't. i can't fully regret everything, even the bad stuff, because it brought me here, and here has potential. i hate that i hurt people. i hate that i hurt myself. i hate that i burned bridges. i hate that i failed at being in a family and a community.
back to here and it's potential: im independent now. i know that i've been mentally independent for a long time, but now i'm independent in every sense of the word. i take care of me financially (scary) and emotionally (if you could call what i'm doing 'taking care').
i make choices and they don't really affect anyone but myself. i don't know if this is healthy, but it is liberating. when i do stupid stuff i don't feel like i'm failing the world and everyone I care about, just myself, and i'm pretty quick to give out second chances to myself.
there's a significant chance that I will lose myself here, but there's also a chance that I will find myself...it's a sink or swim thing.
alone in toccoa is a lot like new york, if I can make it here, i'm fairly certain that I can make it anywhere.

2010-06-09T22:12:00.000-07:00

i mess everything up.

2010-02-18T11:16:00.001-08:00

When experiencing writer's block, Hemmingway would tell himself the following: "Do not worry. You have always written before and you will write now. All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence that you know." There is something very attractive about a truth contained in one single phrase. I've read countless books with my eyes only on the lookout for that very thing. I've spent hours scouring the internet for quotes and lyrics that are in tune with what my soul knows, what I can agree with. I take these truths contained in one single sentence, these quotes and lyrics that I agree with, and I put them on the bumper and back windshield of my life. I stick them in my About Me sections on social networking sites. I paint pictures of them and then post them around my room. I quote them to anyone who will listen. I take the truth and I try to make it my own, but here is the thing about truth, as Soren Kierkegaard, a Danish Philosopher and Theologian, said "The truth is a snare: you cannot have it without being caught. You can not catch it without it catching you." To be honest, I can't say that it has caught me yet, and until it does I will be like a scholar's parrot speaking Greek, sure, it sounds good, impressive even, but I will not have it until it has me.
Last week while channel surfing, I ended up flipping the channel to a show on the Trinity Broadcasting Network. I usually only watch that channel when I'm feeling apathetic or like I don't know God well, not because it is inspiring or uplifting, but because what I see on there tends to fill me with passionate disdain, and it also makes me feel like even if I don't know God as well as I'd like, I have a better idea of who He is than the plastic man in the Armani suit who is spitting on the microphone and telling people that if they donate $1,000.00 to said ministry, their sons and daughters will be saved from the flames of Hell. This particular time I was not let down. The preacher on TV told me that God would provide enough money for me to retire with wealth, and that my entire family would be saved, if I would be willing to sow a seed of faith to his ministry. He then proceeded to tell me that if I could not trust God to do this, if I could not trust Him with my money, then I could not trust Him with my salvation. I know that there is truth in that, but the man took that truth and he raped it. He took God's promise to provide for our needs, and he made it fit his agenda. He had the truth, but the truth did not have him.
The truth is simple. It is available, but not easy. You have to seek it out. If you are holding on to the right things, it will cost you nothing. If you are holding on to the wrong things it will cost you much. Either way, everything that you hold dear is at stake. Truth doesn't need hairspray, bright lights, stage make-up, a fog machine, theme music, or a feather boa. They would only get in the way. Truth only needs a conduit, a vessel in which to travel. Truth's conduit doesn't need hairspray, bright lights, stage make-up, a fog machine, theme music, or a feather boa either, because the message is more important then the presentation, therefore, the message is far too important to risk getting lost in the presentation. Save your hairspray, bright lights, stage make-up, fog machine, theme music, and feather boad for the stage because truth isn't found in a performace, it is found in a relationship.
One day I was sitting at a coffee shop with some friends from a bible college in Jackson, Mississippi. We were playing some campy, loud game that bible college students usually play when they get in groups. A homeless lady was sitting at the next table chain smoking and mumbling to herself. We didn't pay her any attention until she turned to us and started railing on us for being idle and irreverant. She started to mock our faith and being the mighty bible students that we were, the theologians of the group started to argue with her. The boldest theologian of our group started to talk circles around the lady, interrogating her about things that were obviously over her head. I started to feel shame bury itself in the pit of my stomache, but before I could feel sorry for the woman she surprised me and said the most truthful thing that I'd heard come our of either side of the discussion. She smiled hauntingly and said, "You kids know all of the right words don't you? You know them better than me. You know about the truth, but you don't know the truth. You know how to argue it, but you don't know how to live it." The boldest theologian, didn't have much of anything to say to that and that argument died down, and soon after that we left the coffee shop. The chain-smoking homeless lady's words stayed with me. I think that if we had the truth, and the truth really had us, we would've bought her another cup of coffee and talked to her, instead of punishing her for daring to challenge our intellect.

home

2010-02-15T18:34:00.000-08:00

It will be an old one-story house with hardwood floors and giant windows. It will be a front yard with thick, cushiony Southern Florida-grass, and at least one too-large-to-wrap-my-arms-around oak tree. It will be a pirate ship playhouse in the backyard built with our kids. The front porch will have wind chimes, rocking chairs, and a wooden swing. The kitchen will be open. The bedroom will be white.
It will be someone to camp with in Grand Canyon National Park, or our own living room. It will be my best friend, my partner, my safe place. It will be filling up the gas tank, driving until it's empty, and then exploring whatever town we end up in. It will be a food fight in my own kitchen. I plan on throwing spaghetti. It will be driving to watch the sun rise in Savannah, and then watching it set in Pensacola.
It will be a freshly painted nursery. It will be the intoxicatingly clean smell of baby lotion. It will be first laughter, first words, and first steps. It will be bedtime stories and nightmare-induced slumber parties. It will be swimming with the dolphins at Discovery Cove for your birthday. It will be a band-aid and a kiss on the forehead. It will be letting go on the first day of kindergarden. It will be letting go on the last day of high school.
It will be friends going through the same life-experiences. It will be a tribe and we will encamp around each other. We will go to birth classes and consignment shops together. We will drink tea and laugh until we cry, remembering the time that the boys locked us on the roof and threw sticks at us. We will vacation together. We will grow together. We will laugh together. We will cry together. We will remember together.
Our roof will leak. Our grass will grow wild and the Homeowners Society will write threatning letters. The tree will fall. The kids will abandon the pirate ship. The wind chimes will crack, the rocking chairs will break, and the swing will grow cobwebbs. The kitchen will get cluttered. The bedroom won't stay white.
We will forget to go camping. We will forget how to be best friends, partners, and a safe place for each other. We won't have enough money to waste on a tank of gas. We won't feel like cleaning up the remnants of the spaghetti food fight. We won't have time to chase the sun.
The paint will chip. You won't use baby lotion anymore. The sound of your first laugh, first words, and first steps will become echos that bounce faintly off of the wooden floors. You won't believe the bedtime stories and you will sleep through your nightmares. You won't need me to provide an oppurtunity to swim with the dolphins. You won't require my band-aids or kisses. There will always be letting go.
We will become private about our life-experiences. Our tribe will shift and change with the coming of the new people and the leaving of the old. We will no longer need birth classes or consignment shops. We will drink tea and gossip about the neighbors who refuse to cut their wild grass. We will vacation alone. We will grow apart. We will forget to laugh. We will cry in private. We won't remember.
We will fix the roof. We will find the time to cut the grass, and maybe grow a garden. We will plant a new tree. We will introduce our grandchildren to the pirate ship. We will buy new wind chimes, we will fix the rocking chairs, and we will dust away the cobwebbs on the porch swing. We will organize the kitchen. The bedroom will be white.
We will remember how much we love to camp. One day you will laugh like you laughed when we first met, and I will remember how to be your best friend, partner, and safe place. We will save quarters to pay for a tank of gas, and then we will go find a new Mayberry. I will surprise you with a fistful of noodles on your head, and you will wash my hair with spaghetti sauce. We will find time to chase the sun.
I will help you paint your nursery. I will smile when you tell me how intoxicatingly sweet your baby girls head smells. You will send me recordings of first laughs, words, and steps. As I watch them, I'll hear yours echo off of the hard wood floors. You will tell them my bedtime stories and you will teach them how to sleep through their nightmares. You will take them to swim with the dolphins. You will band-aid their boo-boos and kiss their forehead. You will call me crying when they don't require this any longer and I will teach you how to let go.
We will realize that we were all going through the same thing. We will connect with the old tribe-members and plant roots with the new. We will play bingo and shop at flea markets. We will drink coffee and write threatening letters to the Homeowners Society. We will be too tired to vacation. We will be too deeply established to grow apart. We will laugh until we become incontinent. We will cry. We will always, always, always remember.

2010-01-24T11:54:00.001-08:00

I'm an idealist and sometimes it's exhausting. Things either have to be perfect or they can't happen. I make big statements that I can't back-up with action. Then I beat myself up and feel worthless because I fail at the ideal thing. This can't be healthy and it can't be the only way to live.

I want security and no one can seem to give it to me. I want to do and be the right thing and no one can seem to do or be the right thing for me.

2009-11-17T20:55:00.000-08:00

i have to be honest with you. I feel like I scream about honesty and transparency and the importance of being "real", but my voice is muffled and hard to make out because I'm screaming through a mask. There are some things that I want the entire world to know about me:

Just because I don't look you in the eye when I talk to you, doesn't mean I'm lying. Eye contact only comes easy to me with a select few people in my life. Sometimes I smoke cigars. Peach cigars, to be exact. I don't think there is anything wrong with drinking alcohol. I don't drink it often because I haven't tasted any that I really like. Sometimes, like today at work when i slammed my head into a coat rack, i cuss. I dropped the F-bomb in a room full of 2 year olds. Last year I kissed guys just to kiss them. I think that it is just as wrong to have sex with your boyfriend before you're married, as it is to be homosexual. I've decided that I won't judge one more harshly than the other. I've decided that I don't want to judge either. I am selfish and easily angered. I use words to try and make myself look better than you. Initially, I decide whether or not I want to get to know you based on the way you look and dress. Last semester I got drunk. Ridiculously, embarrassingly, regretably drunk. Everytime I get up to sing or play music at church, a war between my pride and the knowledge of how precious music is to God is waged in my head.

Don't get me wrong. I believe in change and sanctification. I believe in holiness. i believe in all of those things, but i also believe in grace and being honest about how you feel and where you're at. I believe that story about Jesus and the woman who was caught in bed with a man who wasn't her husband. I believe that humans are sick. We are infected by sin. I believe that we are taught to believe that sin is an act, so we stop doing the act, but the disease (which isn't an act at all) continues to spread. maybe we should stop focusing on what we're 'doing that we shouldn't be doing' or 'not doing that we should be doing' and just take a long look at what we are compared to what we were created to be. we were created in the image of God. we were created to act like God and to speak like God. we were created to love the human race just like God loves the human race. we aren't here to judge them. we are here to love them. and we can't love them if we have convinced ourselves that we are better than them just because we've stopped sinning outwardly.

Maybe it was unnecessary for me to broadcast all of that to the world. However, I seriously doubt that I would've done that had it not been necessary. I can't live my life in front of you half-way. What you just read is me. I'm defined by what I just wrote just as much as I'm defined by the good, 'toccopriate', christian culturally accepted aspects of who I am.

I'm not trying to be mean, but if you read this, and what you learned about me makes you doubt my relationship with Jesus, then I think we might be following two very different Jesus'.

2009-10-19T10:13:00.000-07:00

My friend Jessi has the word 'fearless' tattooed in chinese characters on the back of her neck.
Sabrina Ward Harrison talks about loving and living fearlessly. A year ago I would've responded with starry eyed enthusiasm. A month ago, a week ago, five minutes ago, I probably would've responded with cynisicm and an attitude of "Been there. Done that. Never, ever again. Thanks."
Today my response is starry-eyed realism that is highlighted with hope that I can change. I'm so aware of how perfect (it's what we were created for) it can be, and how painful it can be. I believe that like with everything else, there is a right way to relate to people and a wrong way. I believe that there is a balance between putting up walls and gaurding your heart. I believe in giving yourself to another person over time, not flinging yourself at them after two weeks. I believe in honesty and transparency. I believe in taking off masks and saying what you're feeling, not what you think you should be feeling. I am deciding to give up on trying to be a psychic. Predicting the future, especially when you're not particularly good at it, can be exhausting. Reading peoples minds, especially when you're not particularly good at it, can be disasterous. I don't know my own mind half of the time, much less anyone elses, and I can't predict what I'm going to eat for dinner tonight, much less three months from now. So if I can't know my own mind or predict dinner for next Tuesday, maybe I should leave the psychic readings to Aunt Cleo.

2009-10-16T12:01:00.000-07:00

Hearing that Jesus had silenced the Sadducees, the Pharisees got together. One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question: "Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" Jesus replied: "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandement. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."Matt 22:34-40

I was interviewed today at Shepherd's Hill Farm for the counselor position they are trying to fill. The girl who interviewed me, Allison, asked several personal questions about my relationship with God, my view on things like spanking and medicating children, and my stance on issues like drinking and premarital sex. The last question she asked was "Can you, on a scale of 1-10, rate your relationship with God?" I told her that I could answer that question several different ways, all of them based on who was doing the evaluating.
If I evaluated my relationship with God, I'd be very aware of my shortcomings and failure. I don't spend enough time with him. Sometimes, I don't represent Him well. Sometimes I deliberately do the opposite of what He likes. Regardless of all of my screwed-up-ness, He is perfect and loves me perfect, so based on Him, and the fact that I do love Him back, I'd give the relationship a 7.
If the cliche American Evangelical Christian were to evaluate my relationship with God, they'd probably think I was pagan, or unsanctified, or not living victoriously enough. I don't have a regular quiet time. I have never seen Fireproof. I can't remember the last time I went into a Christian Bookstore. TBN makes me throw up in my mouth, and if I had to choose between what's on the christian radio station and silence, I'd choose silence. I don't think Obama is the antichrist. I don't think the Republican party is the solution to America's moral delima. I probably will never successfully spend an extended amount of time in prayer because I have the attention span of a baby kangaroo. If Mr. or Mrs. American Evangelical Christian were to evaluate my relationship with God, they'd be generous to give me a 5.
If God, just God, were to evaluate our relationship (that is a ridiculous thought), I think he'd give it an 11 or maybe a 4,926 just to be as ridiculous as the thought of me asking Him to rate our relationship. No really. Not because I have achieved perfection, but because I love Him and I want to make Him happy. I am honest with Him about things that make me angry, make me sad, and make me want to give up completely. I fail, but I don't hide. I might ignore Him, but I'm always aware of Him. He is central to my existence and I think that that is all that He is asking for.

"My life? It isn't easy to explain. It has not been the rip-roaring spectacular I fancied it would be, but neither have I burrowed around with the gophers. I suppose it has most resembled a blue-chip stock: fairly stable, more ups than downs, and gradually trending upward over time. A good buy, a lucky buy, and I've learned that not everyone can say this about his life. But do not be misled. I am nothing special; of this I am sure. I am a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough."
- The Notebook

and, for the second time this week, and i'm sure for many, many days to come, the lesson of the day is ...

2009-10-15T11:57:00.000-07:00

if someone can walk away from you: let them.

Do not assume that, even though they are fickle and have done the same thing to one of your best friends (um...warning sign anyone???), that they will change their mind and want you again. Do you even want him to want you again?
Disillusion yourself, because if you keep it up, you'll look like an even bigger idiot. Guys are not sissies and they aren't double-minded. They go after what they want, and if you're not being gone after, then you're not wanted. And the thing is: you are okay with that. So let yourself be okay with it. Forget him in that way because he has already forgotten you. Do I need to copy and paste the letting go quote? Don't be angry, but don't be pathetic either. Don't sit on the phone with him and wait for him to say something sweet resembling the way he used to talk to you before. Don't even think about getting mad at Sarah, she is a better friend than you will ever be and if she is able to not let a random, sweet-talking, Casanova-wanna-be get in between your friendship, than you would be an idiot to let it happen.
You don't hate him. You're not even mad at him. This is just "whatever the two of you had going on", and what happens at the end.
Time and space fix everything.

2009-10-14T15:37:00.000-07:00

I want to be outside. Specifically at the GBC, out on the floating dock, sitting in one of the life gaurd stands. I want it to be 70 degrees with the wind blowing my hair around all crazy-like. Ever since I got back from England I've felt so restless, like a caged animal. All of the rules and responsibility is getting to me. My job is getting to me. The schoolwork that I keep putting off is getting to me. The one hundred little things that I need to take care of are getting to me. And by 'getting to me', I mean it is having a paralyzing effect on me. Like, I don't know where to begin taking care of the things that need to be taken care of, so instead, I play the guitar and piano more than I've played in a year, or paint, or spend time with people who remind me of the kind of person that I am. I know those things aren't doing anything for my midterm grades, but it's working magic on my soul.

"There was a single blue line of crayon drawn across every wall in the house. What does it mean? I asked. A pirate needs the sight of the sea, he said and then he pulled his eye patch down and turned and sailed away."

and the lesson of the day is . . .

2009-10-12T18:47:00.000-07:00

if someone can walk away from you: let them.

I guess that, for me, letting them isn't the hard part. The hard part is letting them and not being bitter or taking it too personal. Or at least, that's the hard part today.

I keep telling myself over and over that time and space will take care of the rest. I've done everything that I can. Now it's time to let him walk.

"To let go isn't to forget, not to think about, or ignore. It doesn't leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret. Letting go isn't about winning or losing. It's not about pride and it's not about how you appear, and it's not obsessing or dwelling on the past. Letting go isn't blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and doesn't leave emptiness, hurt, or sadness. It's not about giving in or giving up. Letting go isn't about loss and it's not about defeat. To let go is to cherish the memories, but to overcome and move on. It is having an open mind confidence in the future. Letting go is learning and experiencing and growing. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow. It's about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will have soon gain. Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving. Letting go is growing up. It is realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy. To let go is to open a door, and to clear a path and set yourself free."

2009-10-08T15:06:00.000-07:00

I'm so glad to be back home. I've spent the last two days soaking in the people that I didn't get to see last week. It's been great for my soul, but not so great for the mountains of schoolwork that were waiting for me when I came back from England.
I feel like a different person. So much as changed in me and I want to just sit down and write it all out, but I don't have time to do it now.
Today was kind of a melancholy day. I thought about Joel alot. I miss him. But even in missing him, I'm still completely at peace with everything. Me and Katie went to Bell's last night and she just sat there and let me talk. It felt so good to talk, especially to her, the one person that I can say anything to. I don't have to censor myself with her and I love her for it. I told her everything about the whole situation. It felt good to say it instead of thinking it. All week in England, all I could do was think about it and it was exhausting, but talking about it and not having to worry about whether she will understand, or think that I'm being stupid, was refreshing.
Today Katie, Crystal, and I played guitar in the stairwell for over an hour. I got a blister on my thumb from strumming. I didn't realize how much I missed it.
I love God and I want Him to be happy with me.

2009-10-05T11:01:00.000-07:00

I took this picture today while walking through the Portabella Market in Notting Hill.
I love it.

Today was great. I woke up and helped Amber pack up the last of Leela's stuff before they left for the airport. Then, after they left I went and got a haircut in Esher. After that I boarded a bus and then took a train into London. I was kind of nervous about navigating the train and bus system, but it wasn't bad at all. I walked around Notting Hill for awhile, took some pictures and then caught a train back to Esher. I ate dinner at this cute French Cafe called Cafe Rouge. Then I walked back to the apartment, and have spent the rest of the afternoon uploading and editing my pictures from today. I still need to pack and I really really should be studying for the tests that I have to take as soon as I get back. It's so hard to study here.

2009-10-05T03:19:00.000-07:00

today, i am the person that i want to be. i am someone that i can allow other people to love. i'm doing exactly what i want to do. there is nothing holding me back from chasing what makes me feel alive. im at peace with the way i look and the way i feel. these days dont happen all the time, so i thought i should document it. maybe i should wear plaid shirts and jeans that fit more often.

...and then I found God

2009-10-04T12:45:00.000-07:00

"You would not have called to me unless I had been calling to you," said the Lion."

and then I found Peace, or maybe, Peace found me. I don't even pretend to know how that works anymore.
If there's one thing I know of Peace, it's this: at one moment her abscence is resonant, and then she comes, and you're okay, and you can't, for the life of you, figure out how or why. you just are.
If there's one thing I know of Peace, it's this: you have to want her. you have to want her more than you want to be right, more than you want to win.
If there's one thing I know of Peace, it's this: she's a nomad. you won't find her (she won't find you) in the same place as last time. sometimes she travels among people. sometimes she travels alone. but the important thing to remember is this: she travels.

and then I found Wisdom, or maybe, Wisdom found me. I don't even pretend to know how that works anymore.
If there's one thing I know of Wisdom, it's this: her words and choices come from down deep. she's not a second thought or a first impulse. she doesn't dwell in desperate places.
If there's one thing I know of Wisdom, it's this: ignore her, reject her, leave her behind, but she never witholds a second chance.
(sometimes I have to write about things that I don't know)
and then I found Love, or maybe, Love found me. I don't even pretend to know how that works anymore.
If there's one thing I know of Love, it's this: she is selfish, in that, she forces you into self-less-ness. You cannot have her and have your way.
If there's one thing I know of Love, it's this: she is responsible for death. men die for Love. she is responsible for pain. men suffer for love. she is responsible for change. men change for Love.
And if there is one thing I know of Love, it's this: she is worth everything you gave up to hold her. with every sacrifices and every act of self-denial, you purify yourself, you purify Love. you strengthen yourself, you strengthen Love.

and then I found God, or maybe God found me. I don't even pretend to know how that works anymore.
If there's one thing I know of God, it's this: He is wild and doesn't appreciate the clocks at the back of sanctuaries that tell us when it is time to leave and go have lunch or move the next throng of people in.
If there's one thing I know of God, it's this: He is after you. He wants you, not the you that you'll become when you start having regular quiet time, but the you that you are right now as you read this.
If there's one thing I know of God, it's this: If He exists, if the stories are true, if He did come as a man, to live among men, to die for men, then He is worthy of everything.

"It is always shocking to meet life where we thought we were alone. 'Look out!' we cry, 'it's alive'. And therefore this is the very point at which so many draw back - I would have done so myself if I could - and proceed no further with Christianity. An 'impersonal God' - well and good. A subjective God of beauty, truth and goodness, inside our own heads - better still. A formless life-force surging through us, a vast power which we can tap - best of all. But God Himself, alive, pulling at the other end of the cord, perhaps approaching at an infinite speed, the hunter, king, husband - that is quite another matter. There comes a moment when the children who have been playing at burglars hush suddenly: was that a real footstep in the hall? There comes a moment when people who have been dabbling in religion ('Man's search for God!') suddenly draw back. Supposing we really found Him? We never meant it to come to that! Worse still, supposing He had found us?"
- C.S. Lewis

2009-10-04T07:39:00.001-07:00

Today Leela and I went to Legoland. It's an amusement park outside of London. In the taxi, on the way to the park, I looked out my window and saw a giant castle off in the distance. The taxi driver said it was Windsor Castle.
Legoland was fun. Leela was adoreable. She hopped around from place to place and loved every minute of it. I ate fish and chips for lunch and it was incredible. The fish melted in my mouth, but I'm trying not to think about that part, because I'm not sure that melting is something that fish are supposed to do in your mouth.
I've been thinking alot today. This is what I've decided: My first reaction is usually not the best. Knowing this, I think it's be a good idea for me to take about three days to decide on the best reaction, especially to things that are upsetting. It's been like four days, I think, since the whole Joel fiasco happened and I'm just now to the place in my mind where I feel like I know how I should've repsonded to him.
It's just so easy to be angry. Anger is my first reaction to everything unpleasant or painful.
I've talked with God about it and the situation is in His hands now, as it should've been from the very beginning.

2009-10-03T06:07:00.000-07:00

Last night I went to sleep early. My last words were, "God please let me fall asleep quickly and stay that way throughout the night." He did and I woke up at around 9:30 this morning. Leela is sick so Amber and Andrew took her to the doctor and told me that I could have a few hours to do whatever. Right now I'm sitting in Cafe Costa in downtown Esher. I don't know how long my battery will last, but I wanted to document the way that I feel.
I feel better, surprisingly better. I decided that I am 5,000 miles from home and the people I go to for assurace and security, and there is nothing that I can do about that. I've decided to do this the right way. I've decided that as random and seemingly all-for-nothing as it was, it was a good experience. This may be a far stretch and against everything I've learned in Hermeneutics at TFC, but I kind of think of the whole thing as resembling the situation between Peter and Jesus. Peter wasn't lying or trying to fool Jesus into thinking that he was more commited than he actually was. When he swore he'd never deny him, in that moment he had no doubt that he could hold up his promise.If any guy I've ever met is in love with the idea of love it is Joel Michael Cox.. I don't doubt that he really liked me at first, his actions supported his words so that when he would say things or make statements about his intentions, I'd believe him. That's where the whole 'being God' thing helped Jesus. He knew what was going to happen. He knew that Peter would betray him so he wasn't shocked when it happened. I'm not God Incarnate so I invested in every word he said and ended up being disappointed.
I guess what I'm saying is that I don't hate him for the way that I feel anymore. I still hate that he lied about why he was ending it, but I don't hate him. It's not like I have room to judge him for any of this. I've done the same thing to most of the guys I've dated or talked about dating. If there is anyone to blame here, it's myself, and you can only do that for so long before it becomes ridiculous and you have to either change or do the same stupid thing again. Either way, you have to do something. I never ever want to do this again so it looks like my only option is to change. Change the way I think about relationships. Change the way I approach them. Change the way I handle myself in them. Change what I believe about them. The only way to really do that is trial and error, but I don't even want to think about starting anything new with anyone. Even if David Beckham walked in this cafe right now and sat down across from me I would tell him to call me in a few months because I'm not in a good place for that right now. Okay. That's a lie, but it feels true.
What are we supposed to do with the feelings that feel true, but haven't been tested? Keep them in until we know for sure and then express them? That seems stifling. I don't know if I want to live like that, but then I'm also pretty sure I never want to feel like this again. Balance is what I lack in every area of my life. I guess it makes sense that it would be the issue here as well. I will figure all of this out one day, and then, at my next birthday party, I'll blow out eighty-seven candles and gather my great-grandchildren around me and teach them everything I've learned, but am not allowed to leave the nursing home and practice, because the nurses are afraid I'll break a hip.

2009-10-02T11:46:00.000-07:00

I think I'm ready to come out from behind the whole immature/hateful/man-bashing coping mechanism. It was definetly neccesary last night and part of today, but now I'm becoming okay. It still sucks, obviously, but it's bearable. I deleted him from everything. Not to be juvenile, but because I have to if I want to get over this. There can't be any half-way. So he's deleted and I doubt he'll notice or care. I'm starting to try and search out this whole mess and see whatI can take from it. Kind of a "What have we learned today?" deal.
Here's what I've come up with so far:

1. I'm capable of falling for someone and being willing to change my ways of thinking for them. This is good because, for a long time, I've always thought in the back of my mind that I wasn't able to.

2. I need to be more careful with myself. I need to slow down and not give so much away.

3. Random kissing isn't okay for me anymore.

4. I don't want to be alone anymore. I want someone. A forever someone. However, right now I'm still reeling from this little fiasco and I think it will be a very long time before I could even think about being interested in someone. I'm sore.

5. I choose my reactions to things and most of the time, the best choice isn't the easiest or the one that comes naturally. It's painful and difficult. I usually avoid painful and difficult, but I need to stop.

6. You can't move on without letting go. Hence him being deleted from every portal of communication. I have to move on.

So I can't believe I'm saying this, but I am thankful for the experience. I hate how it ended. I hate that it had to end. But it did end, and I'm going to be okay. I learned a lot about myself and what I want. I would do it again but next time I would be more careful with myself. And I wouldn't believe a word the slick talker said. =)

Things are good with Sarah. Talking to her helped alot. I don't deserve her.

Everything will be okay.
I'm doing my part in getting over this, now I just need to let Time and Space to theirs.

"Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself that you tasted as many as you could."-Louise Erdrich

ouch.

2009-10-02T00:34:00.001-07:00

I'm pretty sure this happens all of the time. Right? People like people, but then, for one reason or another, they stop. I'm pretty sure that it's normal to want to delete half of the songs in your itunes library because the visions that come when I hear them, of riding in the car with you holding my hand and those songs playing are hindering the whole 'erase-any-trace-of-you-from-my-life process. I'm pretty sure that one day, a long, long time down the road, I will look back on this experience and laugh at the fact that I completely fell for someone who I saw right through from the very beginning. I'm pretty sure I won't always feel like an idiot for choosing a sweet talking boy over a friend that should've been more important. I'm pretty sure that I don't ever want to be your friend because I think that would be a joke, and the whole situation was joke enough to last me a long time.
The strange thing is, I don't blame you for what you did, and I can't say that if it were me, I wouldn't have done the same thing. Walls strike curiosity in everyone. They make you wonder why they're there, and what is bein hidden behind them, so naturally, you wanted to find out. I guess you liked what you saw hiding behind mine, because then you proceeded to tear it down with words that were just right. But now it sucks because what you saw wasn't quite enough to keep your attention, so now you're gone, and not only do I not have you, but I don't have walls either.
I made a choice to be immature and angry about this. You can have whatever opinion you like about that, but my choice was either to handle this with maturity and understanding, not burning bridges or placing blame, or I could do the immature thing and blame you, hate you, and remove you from my life. Even typing that makes me feel childish and dramatic, but at least this way, it doesn't hurt. I'd rather hate you then sit around and be hurt. So, immature and childish it is.
I thought I'd feel stupid, writing about this on a blog, but I don't. I want to be honest about how I feel, what I struggle with, and how stuff affects me. I could sit here and write about people-watching or the cute squirrels that are playing outside of my window, but that wouldn't be an accurate description of anything that matters this morning. This morning I feel bruised and not good enough. I feel invaded and passed over. I feel angry and hurt. The squirrels are especially cute this morning, but they are going to have to take a back seat to the dull ache that has settled in between my stomache and throat.

Leela

2009-10-01T05:55:00.000-07:00

I walked into the room to find this:

england is comfortable, like a sweater.

2009-10-01T01:29:00.000-07:00

It's busy outside this morning. Cars, bikes, and pedestrians are constantly passing by outside of the living room window. There's a man in an orange vest sweeping leaves off of the sidewalk.

Leela is watching tv and eating an apple. I just finished breakfast. I love that we aren't chained to a schedule here. Leela eats and sleeps when she's hungry or tired. She's really well adjusted to traveling, probably moreso than I am. I'm having a lot of fun with her. She's grown so much, just in the last two months since I've been back at school. I remember the last time I came to England with them, she was about two months old and didn't have any hair. People in the airport kept mistaking her for a boy and so we finally gave up and when people said "Oh what a cute little guy you have! What's his name?" We'd just tell him that 'his' name was Tommy. No one would mistake her for a Tommy now. She's beautiful and lady-like and operates with a seriousness about her that makes whatever she is doing seem strangely important.

I like it here. I don't like the airport or the people who decide who can and can't enter the country, but I like it here. England is comfortable; I can just pull it over my head like one of Devan's sweaters and even though it isn't mine, it fits like it is. Unfortuanately, also like Devan's sweaters, I can't keep England forever, I have to give it back to it's owner eventually.

come to Me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest

2009-09-27T14:08:00.001-07:00

Today was me and Katie's five year bestfriendaversary. To celebrate, we did what we do pretty much every Sunday: service in the morning, lunch, and then find something to climb on, or a body of water to put our feet in. We went to service at that Methodist place we've been going to in Demorest. I like it because the pastor is straightforward and when she speaks your soul can feel the Truth in what she is saying. I also like it because they usually serve breakfast. Today they had pigs in a blanket.
After the service we decided to drive to Senecca to eat at Firehouse subs. On the way back we stopped at the GBC and went out to the lake. The second that I put my feet in the water and felt the wind on my face, every single worry that has turned me into a emotional, needy girl-that-I-use-to-make-fun-of vanished. I was me again and I was relieved that 'I' still existed.

I asked Katie what it was about large bodies of water that makes us feel the way we do around them and she said, without hesitation, "I think it's that they are bigger than us and that puts everything into perspective." I agree and I am thankful for water that puts things into perspective. I am so glad that the ocean follows the tide and the lakes decrease and increase with the rain, regardless of my inconsistencies.

I thank God for rain and tide and Katie and Firehouse subs and pigs in a blanket and women pastors who just say the Truth and wind and large bodies of water. I thank Him for Sundays because I really find rest in them.

say what you need to say.

2009-09-10T23:11:00.000-07:00

God likes you.
I secretly like Taylor Swift too.
It's okay to run away.
I could've handled that better.
Your opinion matters most.
Calm down, we like you.
I want to be like you when I grow up.
For the sake of staying sane, please do something crazy.
People like you, are who I was hoping to meet at college.
You surprised the heck out of me and became one of my closest friends.
I can't wait to dance at your wedding.
Technology brings out the worst in me.
I'm proud of you.