desperado

i don't know whether to say "i hate you" or "thank you".
I can't decide whether I want to beg you to go ahead and leave or beg you to stay.
even though this has all blown up in my face, i can't quite bring myself to label you a mistake.
maybe that's Disney World and too much Hollywood talking,
or maybe it's me being blinded by what I think I want and wanting it so much
that I confuse what i want it to be and what it really is.
or maybe, in a way that I might not see until you're gone, you were good for me.
and maybe I was good for you.
and i think that that is all I want anymore, to be good for someone, something, some cause.
so while everything selfish and afraid in me is screaming "i hate you",
everything else will be whispering "thank you".
and while everything in me that is selfish and afraid can't decide
on whether I want to kick you out and slam the door or lock you in and swallow the key,
the part of me that knows better knows that neither of those things would be healthy, fair, or necessary.
you're good, no matter what anyone (including you or myself) says.