I miss you. I miss me. I have wrinkles in the space between my eyebrows because i scowl alot. My hair is long. My sister grew up and it looks good on her. I bought boots. I want to be pleasent. I don't know if I should give up or try harder. Documenting my thought process is THE most theraputic thing ever. I can't dismiss you because of your faults because I see my own in them and that would be like dismissing myself. I wish I could dismiss myself. I'm coming to terms with being alone. I like pills too much. Somedays it feels like God is a part of me, and it is easier to believe than to disbelieve. Somedays it seems like a big scam, but even on those days I can't dismiss Him. I wish I could go back with what I know now and do it again, but do it well. Poison & Wine is a beautiful song, and I have listened to it a trillion times in the last week. I'm too attatched to my phone. I kind of want to destroy it. Aunt Chery seems to like me more now and that feels like a weight has been lifted from my chest. I don't think I'll get married or have kids. I might get married, but I doubt it will be to the right person. I want to be wholesome, but not too wholesome. There is such a thing as being too wholesome. I wasted a lot of money on college. I've wasted alot of things on alot of things. I need to sit beside the ocean. Life seems to happen so easy for some people. I'm going to be alright. I can't quite see the end to the crazyness, but I can see where there could possibly be an end somewhere, and the possibility of an end to the crazyness is good enough for me. Hope is the most resilient thing, because even when things really suck, you know that they don't have to suck and you know they haven't always suck and you know, even though you can't wrap your mind around when, that they won't always suck. Even when there is no hope, there is still hope. I'm really concentrating on my motive for the things that I do. It's not always a pretty sight...most of the time my motive is personal gain, and I go about achieving it in the stupidest ways...but I know there is a better way. I really want to find it. Genuinely find it. For myself.