I'm here now.

http://sheshomesweethome.tumblr.com/

game over.
i lost, and it wasn't even a game worth playing.
i guess the question is: "Do I let this cycle continue with the next new face?"
Tonight I wanted to grab Chris and kiss him. I wanted to kiss away lonely and anger.
I wanted to kiss away the last one, like I kissed away the one before him, the way I kissed away before the one before that one, the way that I kissed away the one before that one etc...
The point is that "this" is "what" I "do".
It's how I cope with what has been gnawing at my soul since I was a kid.
It is so, so, so stupid and self-destructive.
Nothing ever changes and each situation I find myself in, as a result of my coping methods, breeds even more anger and self-hatred.
I'm full of these things, and when I'm full of anger and self-hatred, they spill out of me, and onto everyone around me.
They turn in to jealousy, vindictiveness, disloyalty, and so on...
And all of this ugliness takes place because I can't seem to be alone.
Because I'm broken.
Because there is a gaping hole inside of me that I'm trying to fill with human beings and the affection, attention, and approval that they have the power to supply me with.
And then there is God...
Where is He?
Where did I leave Him?
Is He so little that He can be left?
Who even really knows?
Some people appear to.
They talk about Him like He's their best friend.
Some talk about Him like He is a Santa Clause.
Some treat Him like He's their own personal sugar daddy.
It would be easier for me to discount his existence entirely, than it would be for me to sit on Santa's lap and tell Him what I deserve as his little princess.
Joel said I'm thirsty, and he's right; I'm freaking parched, but I'd rather thirst for the real water, then fill my stomach with sticky syrupy sweet interpretations that I see people drawing from the wells around me.
That must make me so bad, so stubborn, so wrong.
I'm so hard headed, so lost, so out of control, so everything...
I KNOW.
I get it.
You really don't have to tell me.
Victor told me to run to God and Joel told me that my motives for doing that don't matter, that whatever your reason for turning to God, it's a good one.
That can't be true? (that's a question)
Motive is EVERYTHING.
Can you tell me differently?
I am looking at old pictures as they pop up on my screensaver.
I'm remembering what I felt, if I was happy, and what was driving me at those moments.
In the pictures that matter most, I am alone and in the moment working towards, or struggling through something.
In England I was 3,000 miles away from everything and everyone that I called home.
With a camera and a lot of writing, I made it through.
It wasn't pleasant always, alot of it was miserable, but I remember that miserable and lonely time with fondness...because I did it...the moment was mine.
I want my pictures, my words, my life to mean something...
And most of all, with that same fervent gnawing that has been with me since childhood,
I want it to be mine.
It has to be mine before I can ever hope for it to be someone else's.

desperado

i don't know whether to say "i hate you" or "thank you".
I can't decide whether I want to beg you to go ahead and leave or beg you to stay.
even though this has all blown up in my face, i can't quite bring myself to label you a mistake.
maybe that's Disney World and too much Hollywood talking,
or maybe it's me being blinded by what I think I want and wanting it so much
that I confuse what i want it to be and what it really is.
or maybe, in a way that I might not see until you're gone, you were good for me.
and maybe I was good for you.
and i think that that is all I want anymore, to be good for someone, something, some cause.
so while everything selfish and afraid in me is screaming "i hate you",
everything else will be whispering "thank you".
and while everything in me that is selfish and afraid can't decide
on whether I want to kick you out and slam the door or lock you in and swallow the key,
the part of me that knows better knows that neither of those things would be healthy, fair, or necessary.
you're good, no matter what anyone (including you or myself) says.

"We all at our own age have to claim something, even if it's only our own confusion."

-Sabrina Ward Harrison

I feel like all I am living are questions. I'm making decesions based on things that I don't fully have figured out. Where did absolutes disappear to? Absolutes were steady and provided a great foundation, but I felt like I was only living out something that someone else had figured out...it wasn't mine.

So now, I'm living questions and they aren't steady, but they're mine.

"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer."

— Rainer Maria Rilke

I miss you. I miss me. I have wrinkles in the space between my eyebrows because i scowl alot. My hair is long. My sister grew up and it looks good on her. I bought boots. I want to be pleasent. I don't know if I should give up or try harder. Documenting my thought process is THE most theraputic thing ever. I can't dismiss you because of your faults because I see my own in them and that would be like dismissing myself. I wish I could dismiss myself. I'm coming to terms with being alone. I like pills too much. Somedays it feels like God is a part of me, and it is easier to believe than to disbelieve. Somedays it seems like a big scam, but even on those days I can't dismiss Him. I wish I could go back with what I know now and do it again, but do it well. Poison & Wine is a beautiful song, and I have listened to it a trillion times in the last week. I'm too attatched to my phone. I kind of want to destroy it. Aunt Chery seems to like me more now and that feels like a weight has been lifted from my chest. I don't think I'll get married or have kids. I might get married, but I doubt it will be to the right person. I want to be wholesome, but not too wholesome. There is such a thing as being too wholesome. I wasted a lot of money on college. I've wasted alot of things on alot of things. I need to sit beside the ocean. Life seems to happen so easy for some people. I'm going to be alright. I can't quite see the end to the crazyness, but I can see where there could possibly be an end somewhere, and the possibility of an end to the crazyness is good enough for me. Hope is the most resilient thing, because even when things really suck, you know that they don't have to suck and you know they haven't always suck and you know, even though you can't wrap your mind around when, that they won't always suck. Even when there is no hope, there is still hope. I'm really concentrating on my motive for the things that I do. It's not always a pretty sight...most of the time my motive is personal gain, and I go about achieving it in the stupidest ways...but I know there is a better way. I really want to find it. Genuinely find it. For myself.

my plan is to forgive you for being a liar, with the hope that, one day, Someone will forgive me for being the kind of person that would make fun of the retarded girl at work behind her back.

"Look for God. Look for God like a man with his head on fire looks for water."
-Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat. Pray. Love)